Living in Hell's Kitchenette

And now, the continuation of Hell's Kitchen. Like "Gentlemen, start your engines" or "Their off," this iconic phrase signals the onset of a fierce competition in which a group of machines or highly competitive thoroughbreds fight for the right to....be soux chef at a restaurant (like Gordo will really allow one of these bozos to do more than wash the salad.)

I skipped the lobster-killing festival last week out of a love of animals (yes, I am a vegetarian and animal-lover) but was surprised to see Bobby gone, since he did seem to have a modicum of talent. So, this week we have remaining in the game, (1) fat middle-aged guy who seems nice (I think his name is Palazzo) (2) blonde private chef girl whose name begins with C and is 25 years old (3) other blonde girl whose name begins with C and is 25 years old and (4) the irrepressible Jennifer.

Chef Ramsey gathers the motley crew together to let them know they will be cooking for a very special group of 80. Who can it be? The gang all makes excited faces, and Jennifer speculates "Jay-Z? 50-Cent?" Palazzo dreams that Frank Sinatra will be attending and blondes 1 and 2 think about Timbaland. (Still don't know who this is). They have to whip up signature dishes. They all seem perfectly adequate, although Palazzo's Monte Christo sandwich is aptly summed up by J-Ego as "a heart attack inside cholesteral around closed arteries" or something else stunningly clever by HK standards. Blonde 2 runs out of food, Blonde 1 steps in with some kind of lame-looking turkey sandwich. Now who are they cooking for? Chef informs us it is actually 160 people. Cue surprised looks? Will it conjoined twins? What does the devilish JP have up his impecably dressed sleeve?

It is.......pregnant women (presumably none bearing twins or triplets, or Chef Ramsey's calculations would be off). They are hungry and surly, appearing on the verge of rioting and looting, perhaps even pillaging if they are not fed quickly. At the end of the contest, it is down to 2 votes--will it be Palazzo or Blonde 1? Blonde 1 it is. As a reward, she gets to go shopping at some chic boutique with the Chefster. Jen and Blonde 2 are clearly irritated, as they would rather be shopping than cleaning the kitchen. Palazzo appears non-plussed, as he is more comfortable working in slop than shopping for clothes.

Blondie and Chef are out for a fun shopping day! "Marvelous" coos Chef, as Blonde, whose Grandma previously purchased clothes for her, models a serious of slightly unbecoming outfits, and imagines that Gordon is flirting with her. Upon her return, Jen, always ready with a kind word, insults her fashion sense, and declines to join in the singing of Kumbaya, or any other campfire songs.

So it is here, the big service. Everyone does pretty well, except Blonde 2--she brings over a garnish in a pot so piping hot that Chef's hand turns into a sizzling fajita. Then, she does it a second time. Ramsey does not wave his hands in the air like he just don't care, but instead rips her a new one. Oddly, he is even more pissed at the gloopy risotto (soft o) that Jen (who pronounces with a long o, further irritating our hero) whips up. Really everything goes pretty well.

The group adjourns to nominate the two candidates for a return home. Utilizing a Karl Rovian strategy, Jen attempts to vote for the same person twice, and almost succeeds, since the voting system designed by the blondes appears to be the stupidest thing since the chad. Ultimately, Jen and Blonde 2 get put up. Chef Ramsey makes us think it is Blonde 2 going home......but wait, he was just fooling us, the scamp, and it is really Jen and her sparking repartee that is departing. We will miss her. Indeed, one can only hope that Jen joins the cast of the Next Food Network Star or Top Chef, so her homespun wisdom can continue to trickle into the world. Next week, everybody gets upset and runs around the kitchen, and Chef appears to swear a lot.

That's all for now...The What I Watch On My I-Touch at the Gym Post will follow later.